As 2013 draws to a close...

I am finding it incredibly hard to believe that this year is almost over. Looking back on everything that has happened, it has definitely been my hardest overall year. A real roller coaster for sure. Here's to hoping 2014 is better!

Also, a side note. I usually use my journals to write these things, but I don't have the one that covers the first few months of the year with me, so events may be sparse...mostly in February and March.

January:

• Brought in the year by myself...in a blanket fort...and I'm fairly certain I fell asleep at like 10:30 haha
• I bought a car! Or, you know, I'm in the process of buying it. It's the first big purchase I've made, but I love that thing :)
• I had a TON of reservations about applying to Pharmacy school. Nerves, I guess.
• Finally finished the cross stitch of Christ I had been working on for years.

February:

• The application deadline for Pharmacy school!
• I turned 21

March:

• Interviewed for a place at ISU's College of Pharmacy
• Got accepted to said College of Pharmacy. Wahoo!

April:

• Was laid off when my company was forced to close its doors.
• Rediscovered my love of reading.
• Welcomed Porter Sheldon Owen to the world on April 5th :)
• And let's face it. April was basically occupied by being depressed about the loss of my job. I found it hard to get out of bed many days. Thankfully that didn't last long.

May:

• Started working at Ed Snell's Pharmacy Shop- the same pharmacy I had been observing at for 2 years
• Called to be the FHE coordinator in my ward.
• Found out that Rachelle was expecting a baby in December!

June:

• Baby sister graduated from high school!
• Was a witness in a court case...which was definitely a new experience. 
• Celebrated Thanksgiving in June! (Cause if there is such a thing as Christmas in July, there should be a Thanksgiving in June, duh)

July:

• Started observation hours at Advanced Isotopes of Idaho (a nuclear pharmacy)
• Also started my community pharmacy hours at Ed Snell's...cause they are awesome like that.
• Lagoon with two of my very best friends!
• And...most of July was filled with sleeping then volunteering then sleeping. 1:30-4:30 in the morning at the Nuke, 9:30-6:30 at Snell's. Sleep in between.

August:

• Began Pharmacy School!
• Finished official observation hours!
• Won a randomly drawn scholarship at White Coat Ceremony :)
• Learned to give flu shots...not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

Getting my white coat from Dr. Liday, my advisor.

September:

• Finally got to play floor hockey again!
• My family moved from Soda Springs to Blackfoot. It's nice to have them so much closer to the family!

October:

• Participated in flu shot clinics to get in some experience and hours for school :)
• Began a new cross stitch (Nature's Paradise by Thomas Kinkade).

Here is where I'm currently at on the cross stitch. Over half way done and only been at it for 3 months!

November:

• My stake officially finished indexing 1,000,000 names for the year.
• Gave my first presentation of my pharmacy career.
• Floor hockey again! Wahoo!

December:

• Attended the Forgotten Carols with Sunny, Sarah, Katie, and Amy. It was good to be reunited!
• Finished my first semester of Pharmacy School. Just 7 more to go!    ...eesh
• Baby Samuel Shadrach Owen arrived on the 14th :) So adorable!

I am not going to mince words, 2013 was hard. It beat me down in ways that I have never been before. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of good times. Lots of happy times! But there were so many times that I am just thankful I was able to keep my head above water. 

This year has made me stronger, that's for sure. For that I am grateful, but I can't wait to see what this new year has to offer. 

Happy 2014 everyone!

Learning to Trust

Well everyone, this last week have been one of the scariest and most exciting of my life.

Last Monday I received a letter in the mail from the College of Pharmacy, stating that I have been provisionally accepted into the Doctor of Pharmacy program on the ISU campus, Pocatello site! I have been working at this for a long time, so you can imagine the excitement that filled my life for days and days after the fact!

The very next Monday (April 1st) at around 9:05 I turned in my $500 seat-holding fee. That's when I realized that this was REALLY happening and I was ACTUALLY going to be a pharmacist. Then, at 9:40 I got a call from my manager and got some terrifying news.

Medicaid terminated our credentialing as an agency without notice, so I was not to go in to work that day and possibly not the next day either. The CEO was going to see what he could do and hopefully we would be up and running again in the morning.

Unfortunately, the call saying that I could go back in to work never came. Instead, it was replaced by an apologetic email from Dr. Sommer saying that with much regret we were going to have to close the doors of Seasons of Hope, a company that I have given my all to for two years.

So yesterday, I went and I cleared out all my personal items from my office...the same office that I never actually got around to organizing. Now I'll never have the chance.

I cried as I grabbed the "Grapes of Hope" trophy that I won last week for our company Appetizer cook-off. It was supposed to be a floating trophy. Someone was supposed to win it next month in the Finger Food cook-off.

I cried harder as a co-worker handed me the painting one of our clients had done. It has always been my favorite, capturing every ounce of personality he has. She had asked for it first, but she told me that I could have it because I had worked with him more. It's now hanging in my living room, right where I will be able to see it every day.

But I cried hardest of all as I drove away from that building for the last time. Hugs were given as well as promises to stay in touch. These people had become my family...teasing me when I forgot to attach a spreadsheet to an email, teasing me when even the slightest edge of criticism wormed its way into an email, and letting me know that my future is bright. They supported me whole-heartedly in everything I did!

I have heard numerous times from others that I was, "going to have to at least cut back hours in the fall anyway". But that's not the point!

The point is that this is NOT the way things should happen! No one should be blind-sided this way. There are over 100 of us out of work now, 100 of us feeling this same empty what-do-I-do-now feeling.

And this is where trust comes in. I have been telling myself since the beginning of this trial that I wasn't going to let myself be defeated, but still somewhere deep down in my gut there was that doubt. Can I find another job? Will everyone else be able to find work? Will I be able to pay all of my bills? Are things going to be okay?

And I'm here to say yes, they will be! I met with my bishop yesterday so he would know what was going on and he asked if he could give me a blessing. I began crying as he told me my Heavenly Father knows how hard I have worked, but then the tears left. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I sat there and knew that there was no time for tears. Now is the time to fight harder! Christ will make up the difference between where I am and where I want to be, but I have to work and get as far as possible on my own.

Then in institute we were talking about trials of faith. As Brother Packer explained the refiner's fire he said, "Silver is pure when the refiner can see his reflection in the silver as it sits in the fire. That's when he knows it is ready. Do you see that through the fires of adversity, Christ is waiting until he can see His image in your countenance?"

And so I'll wait. I'll put myself out there and see what I can find...but in the interim, I will continue to ask. I will continue to knock. And I will continue to receive. I am blessed beyond measure...I just have to trust that the Lord will help me see that.

Basically, this is my life

I feel like I have been very adequately named.
Wanna know why?
Well, I'm gonna tell you even if you don't!

My life can most definitely be a dilEMMA!

(I feel like I should mention that I haven't seen this movie)

And I also feel like this song describes my life most of the time, which STINKS!

I guess it's gonna have to hurt

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I loved

To get to the other side.

I guess it's gonna break me down

Like fallin' when you're tryin' to fly

It's sad but sometimes moving on 

With the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

However!

I have made a commitment to myself to be happy.

So no matter how bad things get or how much I wanna quit

and run home to my mommy...

I'm gonna be happy.

See past the bad things and focus on the good.

I'm gonna get through this...

1. I have an amazing Heavenly Father.

2. I have an amazing religion.

3. I have amazing roommates.

4. I have an amazing family who sticks by me no matter what.

5. I have an amazing job with amazing kids who teach me more and more and MORE every day.

6. Jeff let me have first dibs on his Reed's Dairy Chocolate Milk

7. Ryan left me half a chocolate bar on my bed (where the other half went I could only guess)

8. Mystie left me a letter on my bed that made my day.

9. Megan made me laugh at myself for toasting a corn dog on the toaster.

10. I got to walk home in the middle of a rainstorm.

Life.

is.

good.

What do you do?

You know what?
Sometimes life sucks.

HARD CORE!

And it sucks even more when you can't change it.

So, what do you do when life sucks?

DO.


THE.


DISHES!

Just exactly what I needed!

It's no secret that for the last little while I've been caught in something of a FUNK!


I hated school,
    I hated being in Pocatello,
        I wasn't too pleased with how work was going,
             I was getting bugged by things that normally wouldn't bug me and,
                 I felt like I had let some people down in a big way, which made me disappointed in myself.

In other words, that ecstatic feeling I had just a couple of weeks ago was GONE-ZO!

...All I can say is thank goodness I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.
...He cares for me and even when I am at my weakest I am upheld by his righteous omnipotent hand.
...And I know that Jesus has felt these exact feelings, so he knew exactly how to succor me.

I went home this weekend for two things.
1) Conference
2) I really needed a hug from my mommy.

Before I made it out of town I made a stop.
I went to DI first to look for a tape player for Mystie (hers was eating her tapes).
  While I was there I decided to look at the books and see if there was anything worthwhile.
     That's when I saw it...
         Hold On: The Light Will Come, a book by none other than my hero, Michael McLean.
         I had never even heard of it before, but I knew I had to have it.

Here are a couple of quotes from the book:

"Somewhere between holding on and letting go, between love lost and love found, between promises made and promises kept, between those who build us up and those who let us down, our lives are lived and our lessons are learned."

"I've had the extraordinary blessing of getting not what I thought I wanted, but what I need." (This was followed by a little bit of a song he wrote):

All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,

Everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for

Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given,

I've been given what I need.

You're Not Alone:

You're not alone, even though right now you're on your own.

You are loved in ways that can't be shown,

Your needs are known

You're not alone.

...Well, I know that it's not easy, but I know that it won't last,

'Cause one who loves you more than me

Is sending blessings fast

...And even when it's hard to find the words,

Your prayers are always heard.

You're not alone.

"Who are you doing this for?"

"And on the days when being good didn't come as naturally as I would have liked, I didn't need to obsess over the failures, but rather than get back on track and keep moving forward."

"If you're good, and you're doing what you're doing for somebody else, you won't fail."

"...that doesn't change my passionate belief that God knows us, and loves us, and has a plan remarkably tailored to help us figure out how to live happily."

"...my happiest moments...come when I've acknowledged Him."

I was already feeling a little better after reading these words...but then it was time for conference.

Elder Kent F. Richards of the Seventy spoke about pain in the Saturday Morning session.

He said that pain was a gage of your patience...

   That Christ is not a silent observer in our lives...

       That Christ chose to suffer pain so that He could understand us...

            That healing comes in many ways-each according to our individual needs...

               That our circumstances might not immediately change,

               But we will be encircled by the arms of His love.

Then he said this:

"Behold, ye are all little children and ye cannot bear all things now. But fear not, ye are mine."

It took all of that to finally make me realize that I was being pretty stupid.

I realized that I hadn't really let anyone down...the situation was out of my control.

I realized that I was hating Pocatello because I just needed a hug from my mom.

I realized that I am hating school not because I have years to go, but because my classes are just legitimately boring right now.

I realized that I should be working for the kids and not for me.

And I once again realized Heavenly Father's love for me. In a very VERY strong way.

Needless to say...my happy is back :D