Learning to Trust

Well everyone, this last week have been one of the scariest and most exciting of my life.

Last Monday I received a letter in the mail from the College of Pharmacy, stating that I have been provisionally accepted into the Doctor of Pharmacy program on the ISU campus, Pocatello site! I have been working at this for a long time, so you can imagine the excitement that filled my life for days and days after the fact!

The very next Monday (April 1st) at around 9:05 I turned in my $500 seat-holding fee. That's when I realized that this was REALLY happening and I was ACTUALLY going to be a pharmacist. Then, at 9:40 I got a call from my manager and got some terrifying news.

Medicaid terminated our credentialing as an agency without notice, so I was not to go in to work that day and possibly not the next day either. The CEO was going to see what he could do and hopefully we would be up and running again in the morning.

Unfortunately, the call saying that I could go back in to work never came. Instead, it was replaced by an apologetic email from Dr. Sommer saying that with much regret we were going to have to close the doors of Seasons of Hope, a company that I have given my all to for two years.

So yesterday, I went and I cleared out all my personal items from my office...the same office that I never actually got around to organizing. Now I'll never have the chance.

I cried as I grabbed the "Grapes of Hope" trophy that I won last week for our company Appetizer cook-off. It was supposed to be a floating trophy. Someone was supposed to win it next month in the Finger Food cook-off.

I cried harder as a co-worker handed me the painting one of our clients had done. It has always been my favorite, capturing every ounce of personality he has. She had asked for it first, but she told me that I could have it because I had worked with him more. It's now hanging in my living room, right where I will be able to see it every day.

But I cried hardest of all as I drove away from that building for the last time. Hugs were given as well as promises to stay in touch. These people had become my family...teasing me when I forgot to attach a spreadsheet to an email, teasing me when even the slightest edge of criticism wormed its way into an email, and letting me know that my future is bright. They supported me whole-heartedly in everything I did!

I have heard numerous times from others that I was, "going to have to at least cut back hours in the fall anyway". But that's not the point!

The point is that this is NOT the way things should happen! No one should be blind-sided this way. There are over 100 of us out of work now, 100 of us feeling this same empty what-do-I-do-now feeling.

And this is where trust comes in. I have been telling myself since the beginning of this trial that I wasn't going to let myself be defeated, but still somewhere deep down in my gut there was that doubt. Can I find another job? Will everyone else be able to find work? Will I be able to pay all of my bills? Are things going to be okay?

And I'm here to say yes, they will be! I met with my bishop yesterday so he would know what was going on and he asked if he could give me a blessing. I began crying as he told me my Heavenly Father knows how hard I have worked, but then the tears left. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I sat there and knew that there was no time for tears. Now is the time to fight harder! Christ will make up the difference between where I am and where I want to be, but I have to work and get as far as possible on my own.

Then in institute we were talking about trials of faith. As Brother Packer explained the refiner's fire he said, "Silver is pure when the refiner can see his reflection in the silver as it sits in the fire. That's when he knows it is ready. Do you see that through the fires of adversity, Christ is waiting until he can see His image in your countenance?"

And so I'll wait. I'll put myself out there and see what I can find...but in the interim, I will continue to ask. I will continue to knock. And I will continue to receive. I am blessed beyond measure...I just have to trust that the Lord will help me see that.